The Perfect Death
by Emily Waters
Summary: Severus Snape had been hoping to die a perfect Death. But then, Harry Potter has a better idea. Humor .


In the Shrieking Shack, on the floor, Severus Snape lay dying. He was rather enjoying himself, too, as it was a proud, dignified end – bleeding to death, in a supposedly haunted house. He couldn't have asked for more; and he was very happy with this, as he had always feared he'd die from an "accidentally" misfired spell from Sirius Black, or a sincerely accidental explosion in his potions class, while teaching Neville Longbottom. This however... this was ... wonderful, Severus thought dreamily. Painful, horrifying, meaningful, and angst-filled. Bless the Dark Lord's evil nature. This death was exceeding Snape's best hopes. The perfect death.

As he was dying, he was also releasing black vapor of memories at Harry-bloody-Potter, who was gaping at him as a landed fish.

"Look... at ... me... Take it... Take it..." Severus Snape uttered in his best dying, rasping, hoarse voice. He'd been practicing this voice for years, and now was his chance to finally use it.

"Take it?" Harry spat. "It's motherfucking VAPOR! How am I supposed to TAKE it?"

"It's... my ... memories... you idiot boy!" Severus snarled, expelling more blood from his throat. "Get a ziploc baggy!"

"Oh. Oookay," Harry muttered, and bagged up the vapor. "Do I freeze it, or..."

"You VIEW it, you moron. Ya know, the Pensieve??"

"Um. Does it have more humiliating memories of you and my dad?" Harry asked cautiously. "The thing about him wanting to show off your underwear to the Marauders was kind of traumatic. If it ever went beyond that, like into spankings and nipple clamps, I really would rather not know."

"No spankings," Severus assured him. "No nipple clamps."

"Butt plugs?"

"No!!"

"Collar and lead? A gag?"

"NO!!" Snape bellowed. "My life did NOT revolve around your FATHER, you idiot!"

"Oh yeah, well, could have fooled me, you miserable bastard," Harry sighed, and knelt in front of him. With a few quick spells he stopped the blood flow and closed the horrible wound.

"What are you doing?" Severus growled.

"Um. Like, saving your life?" Harry said.

"You can't. Nagini poisoned me," Severus said. "I don't want to die of being poisoned. Just reopen the wound and let me bleed to death."

"How 'bout we just heal the poison, too?" Harry asked reasonably.

Severus looked at him with distaste. "You can't. There are no healing spells that can counteract Nagini's poison."

Harry shrugged, unconcerned. "Who needs healing spells!" He flicked his wand. " _Accio_ Fawkes in a cage!"

Severus stared at him with pity. "You can't _Accio _ stuff from that far away, you dimwitted brat!"

Harry patted his shoulder smugly. "Watch and learn."

True enough, two or three minutes later, cage with Dumbledore's Phoenix flew into the Shrieking Shack and rested on the floor. Harry opened the cage and took the bird out, holding him in an iron grip.

"Cry," Harry told the bird. "Your tears have healing powers."

The bird remained aloof and indifferent.

"Come on!" Harry prodded. "You cried to save me from Basilisk venom. Do it! Just a few teardrops!"

The bird stared at him with cold contempt. Apparently, Dumbledore's loyal bird wouldn't weep for Severus Snape, who had cast the killing curse on the old wizard. Severus smirked. He liked his evil reputation, even if it was to his own doom.

Harry, however, was not terribly amused, and gave the bird a little shake. "CRY, motherfucker, or I really will give you something to cry about! Hermione's cat will LOVE you, you know."

Instantly, a splash of tears left the eyes of the Phoenix, falling on Snape's throat. It tingled, and then, Severus Snape felt much, much better.

"Thanks, bird," Harry said, putting it back in the cage. Harry then looked at Severus, who was touching his throat.

"I'm alive!" Severus Snape said, disappointed. He was going to die, to have a perfect spy's death. He was going to die with his cover intact, having delivered his final briefing, and reminiscing about the past... And now... he sighed bitterly.

"Yeah. You are alive," Harry sang. "And what's more, you now owe me a life-debt. Nyah nyah nyah. Just like you owed a life-debt to my father, except this one is waaaaay cooler!" Harry Potter's smirk was absolutely intolerable. "You just don't have much luck with the Shrieking Shack, Professor."

"I DID NOT ASK YOU TO SAVE ME!!" Severus bellowed. "I OWE YOU NOTHING!!"

Harry smirked again. "Then why are you hollering like a Hungarian Horntail?"

"I. Do. Not. Owe. You. A. Life-Debt." Severus said very calmly. "I've saved your ungrateful teenage arse on more than one occasion."

Harry shrugged. "Yah, but that was your duty. You are my teacher. This is different. You owe me."

Severus glared at him. "I think not. Now give me my memories back, you insolent brat."

"Not in a million years!" Harry snickered. "That stuff is gold... I'm gathering up all my Gryffindor friends, and we are gonna make popcorn and watch them..."

Severus lunged at Harry-bloody-Potter, knocking him to the floor. "GIVE THEM BACK!" he yelled. "Those are PRIVATE!"

Harry laughed. "They didn't look all that private when they were floating all over the Shack!"

Severus growled dangerously and slipped his hands into the folds of Harry's robes, looking for the damned ziploc pouch. It was nowhere to be found. Harry struggled, and Severus pinned the teen's hands behind his back easily. Severus reached for Harry's Gryffindor tie, and nearly ripped it off his neck. With a quick, practiced move, he tied Harry's hands behind his back.

Harry issued a loud gasp. "Professor!" he said indignantly.

"Where is it?" Severus demanded.

"I'm not telling," Harry said stubbornly.

A loud pounding on the door interrupted them. They heard the harsh, unfriendly voice of Bellatrix Lestrange. "Harry Potter! The Dark Lord is demanding that you turn yourself in and get struck by Avada Kedavra, or else!"

"Or else what?" Harry asked, his wrists tied together behind his back.

"Um. He didn't specify. He'll be pissed though, if you don't show up."

"I can't. I'm busy. Tell both sides that they'll have to make do in this war without me."

"You can't!" Bellatrix shouted through the door. "You are pivotal!"

Harry snorted. "Oh I know, Bella. I know... I just don't care. I got something more important happening right now."

Bellatrix left, and Severus found himself staring at Harry Potter with astonishment. "This... baiting me and antagonizing me is more important to you than winning the war? Defeating the Dark Lord?"

"Hell yes!" Harry cried out.

"But...Why?"

Harry took a deep breath and mumbled something that sounded like "BecauseYouAreSexyAndIHadACrushOnYouSinceIFirstHeardYourVoiceWhenIWasThirteen."

"That's why you were insulting me and provoking me all these years?" Severus asked tiredly.

"Yeah," Harry whispered. "I kept hoping you'd... you know... take me in hand and teach me a lesson."

Severus shut his eyes and shuddered. "Where. Is. The. Pouch. With. My. Memories." He demanded.

"Oh... really, it could be anywhere on my body," Harry mused. "I think you'll just have to ... do a comprehensive search..."

"Oh, don't think that I won't!" Severus hissed, and slid his hand into the back pocket of Harry's trousers. There was no ziploc pouch there, but his fingers connected with the the firm, amazingly rounded butt-cheek of the young man. Harry moaned at the contact. Severus growled dangerously.

"Ah," Harry gasped. "Maybe it's in the other pocket..."

Severus repeated the search, and Harry lifted his hips to meet his hand. "Mmmmm..." Harry moaned. "Then again, I have front pockets, too..."

Severus grit his teeth, and slid his hands underneath, seeking out Harry's front pocket. He slid his hand inside and found something ... something that was NOTHING like a ziploc pouch filled with vapor, Severus realized belatedly. Harry's breathing became labored and uneven. "Oh yes," Harry whispered. "Search me, you ...evil... sinister... spy... strip search me... torture me for information... I'll never tell you where that ziploc bag is!"

Seversu stood up abruptly and yanked Harry, his hands still tied behind his back, to his feet. "You know what, Mr. Potter? I think it's time for that lesson of yours that you have been pining for all these years."

Harry gasped, as Severus spelled all of the teen's clothing off with one quick incantation. Severus then marched the boy across the room, and threw him on the bed, face down. Harry lifted his hips and parted his legs slightly.

"Do it," Harry urged him. "Come on. We both know you want to..."

Severus could not deny that.

For the next twelve hours, the war raged on. Outside of the Shrieking shack, the flames of battles roared, the explosions were heard, and people screamed, rushing to their doom. But inside the Shrieking Shack, nothing mattered, because a 37-year-old former Death Eater was despoiling and claiming the young, enthusiastic, whimpering with delight Savior of the Wizarding World.

At one point, when Harry was standing on all fours, with Severus pounding into him violently, green sparks burst out of Harry's eyes and vanished into thin air.

"What was that?" Severus asked instantly.

"Who cares!" Harry gasped and issued a moan of pleasure when Severus climaxed inside him.

Having exhausted themselves utterly and completely, they fell asleep in a tight embrace, Severus cradling Harry in his arms.

They were discovered the following morning, when Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, and Luna got to the Shrieking Shack, kicked the door in, and gasped, at seeing the two of them in bed together.

Harry sat up in the bed and smiled. "What happened out there?" he asked.

Hermione answered: "Well, Voldemort was defeated. Neville killed Nagini."

"Thanks," Severus said automatically.

"You are welcome," Neville answered.

"Then there was this duel going on," Hermione continued, "And anyways, long story short, Luna killed Voldemort. So he's gone."

"Wait a second," Severus said. "That's impossible. Harry is Voldemort's Horcrux. The fragment of Voldemort's soul inside Harry needed to die, in order for the war to be won. But that didn't happen... therefore..." Severus felt a chill run down his spine. "Therefore," he continued, "Voldemort's spirit must still be around!!"

"Oh dear God!" Ginny gasped.

Severus felt slightly nauseous. All these years of fighting, sacrificing, spying, enduring... all of that had been rendered meaningless. His lust and lack of self-control had cost the Light their victory over the Dark Lord. He prevented the young Savior from joining the battle and dying a hero's death, shagged him silly, and now, the Dark Lord would surely return, more pissed than ever.

"Nah, I think Voldemort's soul-fragment in me did die," Harry said thoughtfully. "Remember those green sparks that emerged from my eyes when you were fucking me? I think you had fucked that fragment of Voldemort's soul into oblivion. Think about it. If I was still a Horcrux, Luna wouldn't have been able to kill Voldemort in a duel."

Hermione tilted her head thoughtfully. "Makes sense. It's quite poetic, really. That the last part of Voldemort's soul would die when his treacherous servant was ... um... doing the Savior of the Wizarding World!"

Harry nodded solemnly. "Yup. The absolutely PERFECT death for the fragment of Voldemort's soul." He looked at Severus with a bright smile. "Looks like you are a war hero then. You'll be famous, get a medal... I'm sure you'll be a sex symbol, too. From now on, your... you know... manhood... will be known as the Killer of Horcruxes... it'll be revered like the Sword of Gryffindor, or feared, like Basilisk Tooth. I think it's awesome."

Amused, Severus Snape chuckled quietly. He had been hoping for the perfect death for himself, but this, he realized, was much, much better.

**... The End...**


End file.
